One of the things that women have to contend with in dating is the
risk of having a “great guy” DISAPPEAR from your life after going
to bed with you. There’s always the possibility of going out with
someone who seems so awesome at the beginning, only to undergo a
shocking character transformation later on.
And chances are, you’ve probably experienced this yourself. It
wouldn’t rare for most girls to be disappointed (or even appalled)
when their guy doesn’t live up to the hype.
That really puts us in a pickle, doesn’t it? Constantly wondering
if the man you’re going out with is a psycho in nice guy’s clothing
does nothing for your peace of mind.
After all, dating and/or getting into a relationship with someone
is a considerable emotional investment. Sure, getting hurt comes
with the territory, but there’s certainly nothing wrong about
saving yourself unnecessary grief.
There’s a difference between going through the normal relationship
issues with a quality man (like clashes of opinion and such), and
falling for a guy who’ll treat you like dirt a few months down the
road.
I’m sure you don’t want the latter to happen to you, so today let’s
cover some things to watch out for in a guy. In a nutshell,
telltale signs will emerge as early as the first few dates, and
it’s up to you to look out for the following:
#1: His level of respect for you and towards others
Sometimes, we can get so blinded by our “love goggles” or over
eagerness that certain red flags (such as a questionable amount of
respect) slip past us. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t enjoy the
date, but you do need to watch out for little indicators of how he
treats you and other people.
Here are a couple of things to consider: first, does he enjoy
making fun of the things that are obviously important to you? It’s
one thing for a guy to poke harmless fun at your “Love Jams” CD
collection, and another for him to tell you it’s “for pathetic,
sappy losers”.
Second, observe how he talks to people involved in customer
service, such as the staff at the restaurant you’re eating at or
the cashier working at the popcorn stand in the movie theater.
Does he excessively berate them for not serving his café latte
according to his micro-specifications? Or does he POLITELY point
out little slip-ups with a lot of words like “please” and “thanks”
on the side?
Even if his attitude towards other folks doesn’t directly involve
you, it gives you a glimpse of how he’ll act in the relationship
later on.
#2: How thoughtful is he?
Not counting obsessive-compulsiveness, a guy who has the
consideration for some vital things is an indication of his
character.
This includes his attention to detail – does he care enough to
brush his teeth, shine his shoes, iron his clothes and keep his car
in good working order? Don’t feel that you’re being mean or
overcritical for thinking about these things.
These are merely BASIC aspects, and you’re not being harsh by
taking them into account. A guy wouldn’t ask his dreamgirl to walk
down the altar if he knew his bride-to-be was going to spend the
rest of the marriage looking like something the cat dragged in.
So it’s only fair to expect the same bare necessities from the guys
we date. Notice that I haven’t mentioned anything about looks,
because it’s not about that.
Your guy doesn’t have to look like he stole Brad Pitt’s DNA, but he
*does* have to be thoughtful enough by being neat and presentable
on a date.
Thoughtfulness also extends to things like being a good listener,
which shows that he really cares about what you have to say. It’s
a good sign when he displays interest by asking questions about
your stories and so on.
Let’s not forget gentlemanly stuff like guiding you to your seat or
opening doors for you. Political correctness aside, being treated
like a lady tips you off about his character.
While you’re fully capable of taking care of yourself, is he
willing to inconvenience himself from time to time for your sake?
Look out for signs that confirm or refute this.
Oh, and there’s the matter of picking up the tab. Sure, eventually
you’re going to split future expenses (like rent or house payments
if you get that far), but his WILLINGNESS to shoulder dinner costs
is a hint of his capacity as a provider.
#3: He pays attention to your positive aspects
When you put effort into looking your best and he complements you
for that, it feels great. But what about your other traits, such as
a strong independent streak or your creativity?
There’s something special about a guy who can appreciate the things
about you that go beyond physicality. If he has the ability to
GENUINELY (not patronizingly) value your hobbies, interests, and
other stuff you hold dear, then you may have a winner!
As long as he VALUES you in the same regard as you do for yourself,
then your guy is on the right track.
#4: He has a generally positive outlook
Not to get all mystical or new age-y on you, but a person’s energy
can either bring you up or down.
I’m sure you’ve met your fair share of upbeat as well as gloomy
people. Notice how their energy affects your own disposition.
When the peppy attendant at the bookstore is just oozing with
delight to help you pick out a good read, it’s not hard for your
mood to follow suit. Similarly, your co-worker’s sob story about
the umpteenth fight she had with her boyfriend is going to bring
down your day.
It also works the same way with a potential boyfriend. Does his
broad view of things lean towards the positive side, or does he
only see the world in dull shades of depressing gray?
Watch out for a guy that likes to get into long rants. It doesn’t
bode well for someone who likes whining about his work or spends
lots of time putting down a former lover or an annoying colleague.
Think about how things might turn out if you got into a
relationship with such a guy. If he’s consistently displayed this
kind of negative behavior throughout your last few dates, maybe
it’s time to move on.
On the other hand, keep an eye on a date that can at least muster a
sense of humor and doesn’t take things too seriously.
As an aside, let this also be a friendly reminder of your own
attitude. After all, you form HALF of the equation here, so be
mindful of how you conduct yourself during a date!
#5: He has enough common ground to share with you
While opposites attract, he should be able to meet you HALFWAY at
minimum. At the very least, you should be able to relate to a
guy’s general views, values and lifestyle on some level.
More importantly, there has to be that certain dynamic that allows
you both to exchange new ideas with each other. It’s hard to pin
it down really, but sooner or later you’ll develop a feel of your
compatibility in general – DON’T ignore this.
#6: Fill in your own criteria here
I’m sure you have a personal set of standards, but remember to keep
it PRACTICAL. What I usually suggest to my friends is to clarify
their criteria by making a LIST of things you want in a guy.
Don’t put too much thought into the first draft; write down as many
traits or qualities that you think your dream guy needs to have.
Then, go over this version and think hard about whether the
original criteria you listed are absolutely essential.
Chances are you can further REFINE or even DROP certain traits from
your list.
For instance, does Mr. Right REALLY need to have a height of 6’5″,
or would you just be as happy with someone a bit below that mark?
Maybe the quality of your relationship wouldn’t be THAT affected if
your suitor wasn’t as a hardcore fan of Harry Potter as you are.
Give yourself the chance to trim down the fat until you’ve come up
with a list that’s realistic but doesn’t compromise your core
principles or values. However, it doesn’t have to be a final
version from that point on, either.
Be flexible enough to amend your list because the changing
circumstances in your life could influence what you want in a man
in the future.
In the end however, it’s your gut feeling that will truly tell you
if he’s worth keeping or ditching. Though the first couple of
dates with a given guy may not be movie-perfect, there could be an
“x-factor” which could justify another chance.
Of course, we’re not aiming for absolute perfection here, only
developing a good idea of whether his strengths outshine his flaws.
Just keep the basic prerequisites in mind to help GUIDE your
higher judgment.
What really matters is that you learn to build up a general
AWARENESS (but NOT a suspicious mindset) of the signs that are
already there. It’s just a matter of getting used to keeping your
eyes open, but relaxed enough to enjoy dating.
Excerpt from Rachel Rider
How to Be Irresistible to Men team
(Relationships.com)
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